I write this as I watch my son play baseball on a chilly fall day. It’s not an easy thing, being here for every game. Projects, obligations, life are calling. But, every time they start calling too loudly, I think of my dad.

Dad never missed a game or school play or any important moment, exciting or mundane. He didn’t do it because he felt obligated. He loved it. He wanted every moment he could have with us. One day I asked him how he could be there for all of it. I knew how many projects he always had going, how many other things were vying for his time. He said simply, “because you guys are growing up so fast.”

Fast forward and I have three of my own who are growing up fast. I am now convinced that being a parent is the hardest job around. It’s the one job that takes you up as high as you can possibly go, and the next minute, will have you in the dirt. How did he make this look so easy?

I have been needing and sorely missing my dad’s calm, straightforward, advice (usually delivered with a bit of mischievous humor). He had a way of seeing straight through to the heart of any situation and knowing what to do. When I became a teacher, and later a mom, his advice was “be consistent, be patient, and have fun.” I have yet to master those things that he made look like a walk in the park. He never actually vocalized “Always show up for your kids, no matter what,” but he said it with his actions every single day.

I work to do better every day at this parenting job, the one that dad made look so easy. And while I have a lot to learn, I think at least I have the one thing down.

So at each baseball game, school play, at each success or failure, I will be there picking them up and cheering them on because I got to see what it felt like for someone to do that for me while I once grew up fast. And it felt like love.

Our current administration keeps gutting the programs and institutions that keep Americans safe which is the number one job of government. They are destroying the capabilities of the CDC, NIH, HHS, and FDA to name a few. Relying on short term overly reactive decisions during a crisis instead of long term proactive planning will not keep us safe. We tragically have leaders who are incompetent and do not prioritize public health. We will not be prepared for the next epidemic or pandemic which is frightening. We all need to contact our elected representatives and fully advocate for Public Health leadership and funding.

I know too well how poorly funded and prepared we were for the Covid-19 Pandemic where I tragically lost my brother Johnny 5 1/2 years ago. He should still be here.

Halloween is the time of year we allow ourselves to be frightened and fearful which I have been very often since my brother died of Covid-19 early in the Pandemic. I have been frightened of how poorly prepared we were even though experts warned of a Pandemic coming decades ago. The Pandemic revealed the dire need to better invest in public health infrastructure to address future public health threats and now our Federal leadership is doing the opposite and making our preparation so much weaker. They are reducing spending and pausing and blocking research. Every health agency has been dismantled with continual attacks on science. Our current administration is canceling almost 500 million dollars on contracts to develop mRNA vaccines to protect our citizens against future viral threats. This technology created the most commonly used Covid-19 vaccine that saved millions of lives.

My beloved brother must be rolling in his grave. I don’t know my country anymore.

“Why do you love pumpkins so much?” my husband asked me the other day as we were pulling out and putting together our wonderful assorted Halloween decorations which consist of a lot of Disney and a lot of Great Pumpkin. It took me back to my childhood, to my Dad, Pop. He was sheer sunshine and magic. He made Halloween so extra magical for me every single year of my life.

October is my most cherished month, my favorite Holiday by far. I remember them all like it was yesterday. We’d carve pumpkins, go to the schools annual Halloween fair haunted house then out to Denny’s for vanilla ice cream because we survived the haunted house with your ears still intact surprisingly due to my extreme screaming and squealing. Then off it was to Disney World to attend Mickey’s Not So Scary Halloween Party, a tradition I have carried on with my Husband and Son. I remember running through the Magic Kingdom as Tinkerbell, I was waving my wand around as we rushed to ride Space Mountain again, for the hundredth time, as if we had never done it before. As if we never scurried about from Space Mountain to trick or treating followed by a short, cool monorail ride back to our resort, the Contemporary.

I love pumpkins so much, because not only do they bring me fond memories of the man who created the magic of Halloween for me, but they are a daily reminder that I married a man who Pop was best friends with and looked at as his own Son, a man who everyday continues to Live Like Pop, he continues on Pop’s magic. As I walk in from a long shift, to find my sweet Husband dancing with a new Mummy Mickey Mouse he bought for me and outside, all the beautiful decor complete with straw and a massive pumpkin container filled with beautiful orange Halloween flowers. A man who loved my Pop like he was his own Father for over 20 years, a man who inspired my Husband, a relationship in itself so genuine, so loving, that is also magic.

Thank you Pop for creating the spirit of Halloween for me and thank you for leading me to the perfect soul mate who carries on your magic for me. Fly high Pop, I am in good hands here.

Sometimes I scour my online photos.
I scour old photo accounts.
I sift through a few decades worth of pictures in hope so I find that hidden gem.
That one video where I can hear his voice so clearly, where I can hear his laughter and sink back into a time where my son was still alive and Covid hadn’t taken his life.
How I long for that hidden gem.
A picture that brings back a beautiful memory and unlocks a portal to the past.