Today is yours and Stephani’s birthday. I want to celebrate you Donovan but it’s so hard too. Stephani is now older than you. You should be here babyboy. There are so many happy memories that just break me. How I wish I could have saved you. Happy heavenly birthday Donovan. Keep watching over us. We love you. f31

I lost my brother and only sibling from Covid as a senior citizen. I found often little support or comfort is given in this situation and I have come to realize it appears to be the neglected loss.

Sadly, the loss is not acknowledged even though it leaves a permanent wound in my heart. My brother’s three closest friends passed before he did. Our dad and aunts and uncles are all gone too. Several of our childhood friends are no longer here. My mother has dementia and thinks he is still alive. There are fewer people left for me to share memories with especially those who knew Johnny the best and for the longest. The upcoming holidays will always remain challenging for me.

I’m remembering my Grandma Carol this afternoon, as I take the giant bag of candy from where I’d hid it a few weeks ago. Grandma had a thing for Twizzlers. So, she would purposefully not buy Halloween candy assortments that included Twizzlers because she felt she had no willpower and would gobble it all up before the trick or treat kids rang her doorbell. It was a family joke, and we’d tease her every October, bringing her a package of her own, though we knew it wasn’t good for her teeth. But who cares about that now? And why did we even think it mattered? I wish that for Halloween 2019 I’d bought her a million packages of all her favorite things.

Seeing and hearing all the references to the Covid testing paraphernalia having been sent to Putin for his private use sickens me more than I can express. There were no tests at my father’s nursing home facility. There was only the virus, wandering down the empty halls, popping in to one room, and then the next, until no one was left to infect.

In the next few days, on October 22nd, it will be my big brother’s birthday. He would have celebrated his 70th. But instead, we continue to mourn his passing. It would have been a simple celebration. My brother was not the kind to want big celebrations. Just being with his family was celebration enough.

This weekend my family and I will be gathering to celebrate the October birthdays (there are four) and will also celebrate my big brother’s 70th. I hope he will hear us singing to him as he many times, sang to us.

Happy birthday in heaven, my brother.