If you ever needed to find my husband Mike when he would go MIA —— two places to look. In winter it was Barnes and Noble and now that it is summer it would be at the Swim Club. There, Mike came alive. He and his swimming cronies would take over a few lanes to do laps. But mostly they would hang by the side of the pool talking about what they did over the winter.

When I see some of these people they still say how much they miss Mike, being in his lane, doing the breaststroke.

Ray loved Halloween; it was one of his favorite holidays. We would decorate our house (trail of terror) with a graveyard and bones and he would be the sound effects director. He bought a CD of spooky sounds and would blast it in our window of his office on the second floor. He would also take the day off to trick or treat with our nieces and nephew.

So, when two of our nieces were about 5 or 6, they went around our neighborhood to trick or treat. One of our neighbors was dressed as Jason, complete with a chainsaw! He was chained to the garage and scaring the kids, including our niece, Toria. She didn’t want to trick or treat after that. Ray tried to explain that it was fake and would never hurt her but she wasn’t convinced.

He would always find something to add to our Halloween decor and this time, he found a giant spider. It had moving legs and lit up. He called Toria to come over and set it up in our living room. She came up and saw it, moving with the lights, and fell in love. Ray asked her what she thought of him and she said, “his name is Spot.” So, Spot the Spider became our focal point of our decorations. She went out trick or treating and I’m proud to say that she is a regular performer at our local haunted walkthrough. She loves it!

We lost him in 2020 and the next year, I took off Halloween to continue the tradition in his honor. I put up the decorations and Toria asked me “Where’s Spot? We need him.” I smiled and told her he was in the attic in a bag. She went up, took him out, fixed his legs and once again, Spot ruled our display. He does not work the way he used to but he is a treasured part of Halloween and a connection to Ray. When I see Spot, I see my husband again. At least, it feels like he is still here with us, even for a day.

What I wouldn’t give to bring you down to breakfast in assisted living again. All the tables were set for a formal breakfast gathering, complete with a fresh flower in a vase. You would always order pancakes. Blueberry pancakes with bacon. Your favorite. Along with orange juice, coffee and dessert. We always enjoyed these holiday meals.

Then we would go back to your room to watch TV together and open your presents. You especially loved scratch-off lottery tickets. It didn’t matter what the prize was, even if it was just a free ticket. You won something and that’s what mattered to you. It would bring a huge smile to your face. I can still see it now.

Then we would go out for your favorite Father’s Day steak dinner. Always to Red Lobster. They actually had the best steak around. We would take our time and just enjoy being out together. You would even have a beer.

We would return to your room to watch more TV and have dessert that I brought in. A blueberry pie from one of the local farms.

We would sit together and talk about current events while also reminiscing about your past, until the aide came in to help you get ready for bed. It was still early, so you’d sit in your chair for a little while longer until the end of your TV program. You would then tell me you were tired and ready to go to bed.

I’d help you out of your chair and walk you over to your bed. You took your slippers off. You would lay down so I could tuck you in. You loved, loved, loved it when I would tuck you in. Then we would do our good nights together at the same time. We would say: “good night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite”.

As you closed your eyes, I would tell you that I’d see you tomorrow. Then I’d turn around and walk away, quietly closing the door behind me.

If only…just one more time.

Then there is the other world of memories. World #2.

The world where, unfathomly in 2019, four years ago would end up unknowingly be our last Father’s Day together.

We were so close to having that NOT happen. So close to having just one more Father’s Day together. Even if it was only on Zoom. That’s ok, I’d take it.

But that was not to be. You passed away just 14 days before Father’s Day 2020. We hadn’t even had your non-funeral, burial yet. Didn’t seem real then, still doesn’t seem real now. F*** Covid!

I literally just now realized something. Not only was this our last Father’s Day together in 2019. This was also our first Father’s Day together without Mom. How unfair! Still cannot believe it. It’s just too much to comprehend. Again, F*** Covid!

If only I had known this would have been the last. If only there was some sign. The thought of this day brings immeasurable sadness. What I wouldn’t give – if only, I could go back. PLEASE. If only…just one more time.

I’m torn. In two worlds simultaneously.

World #1 – Heartwarming past memories pop up. Happier days gone by.

In the morning, we would all walk to the Borough Hall for the town’s Father’s Day breakfast. A fundraiser. You always supported and looked forward to this annual event. We all did.

You loved their homemade breakfast so much. It was really good. Pancakes, eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, home fries, cake/Danish, orange juice and coffee. It was always blueberry pancakes, bacon, orange juice and coffee for you.

But I think it was also the atmosphere that made this so special. The majority of the town would attend. The always warm welcome…at the door and from all those who were cooking and serving. Everybody happy and smiling.

Being together with family, friends and neighbors. Everybody stopping to talk to everyone. A very warm, close, beloved, small community. A place to be cherished. A place where everybody knows your name.

God, how I miss those days. What I wouldn’t do for another one. If only…just one more time.