It took five years to get a back and forth conversation from him. Autism 26 years ago was almost unheard of. He was 5 when we had our first conversation. Me: “yellow bus.” Keith: “green bus.” We would go back and forth laughing at our silly busses. Every single day while in the drop-off line for school I would say, “Keith I wish you would just say I love you.”

Days, months, then years went by and no reply from Keith. One beautiful spring day he was getting out of the van and turned to me and said “I LOVE YOU.” My momma heart wanted to stop the world around me and just hug him and cry. Instead, I pulled away in tears. Finally the words I LOVE YOU.

October 2021 was our very last “I love you’s.” He had spent 2 weeks in the ICU and his lungs were getting worse. We had the talk about going on the ventilator. He agreed it would be best. I walked out of the room and said “I love you.” He said “I love you too.” Those were his last words to me. Two weeks later, he would take his last breath, 11 days before his 26th birthday. I was there for his first and last I love you’s.

I met Evelyn at the age of 6. She was my father’s beautiful wife and became our stepmother. At the time she didn’t have children of her own and treated my brother and me as her own. As the years went on, she became my best friend. We would talk everyday or every other day.

COVID took her away without any notice. My father tried taking care of her at home but one morning she just got worse and agreed to go into the hospital. Never did we expect that would be the last time my dad or any of us would see her again. She died alone and ever since she passed our family has drifted apart. She is truly missed more than anyone, she’s an angel in heaven. My only hope is that heaven is as beautiful as she was.

Evelyn was funny, honest, couldn’t tell a lie for anything and loved her grandchildren more than they ever knew. She loved with everything in her and she was for sure the Matriarch of our family. Holidays will never be the same but neither will our lives. Evelyn left a big void in our hearts and those who knew her, loved her! Evelyn left behind her daughter Jessica and son David. She was a stepmom to Evelyn, Tita, Denise & Macho but I was her favorite–lol. Evelyn was the only sister to Angelo, Wilson, Albert, Papo & stepsister Gloria.

I promised to always keep her memory alive. Evelyn will forever live in my heart as well as in my children’s life. She is missed everyday and everyday I still silently talk to her. I feel that she is always with me. I see her signs all the time and I pray that we are making her proud.

Losing someone is very difficult, but losing someone without any sign is harder than we think. We weren’t able to see Evelyn once she passed, no one was allowed at the cemetery and because of COVID we couldn’t do anything until August. Evelyn passed away on April 5, 2020 and we managed to put together a beautiful celebration of life for her in August. She was remembered by so many and it was a heartfelt celebration of life.

5 years ago today was one of the biggest surprises for James. It was his 50th birthday and I pulled off a huge surprise party. He had told me not to do a party and that he didn’t want the celebration for him. That is how he always was, so selfless. His birthday was the one day a year we could celebrate him and that he didn’t put myself or the kids first.

We always had his favorite dinner at Outback–we had cake with extra icing, and most of the time a banana split. For his 50th, I had been saving up for months so he wouldn’t notice any major purchases on the credit cards or from the bank account. With the help of a few of his buddies we had a big cookout with family and friends. It was an absolute perfect day.

At the end of the night, as we were laying in bed, he thanked me for the party. “Thank you for loving me enough to insist on doing something like today for me.” I was afraid he would be mad after being so against a party but instead he was thankful that I put so much into making the day all about him. We only had two more birthdays after that with him here on this earth. I will always look back and think maybe God pushed me to go ahead with the party, knowing our days were numbered. Happy Birthday my love, although you’re forever 52, I’ll celebrate 55 for you!

I lost both of my parents to Covid and they have left a void in my life that has yet to heal. With their deaths I was left feeling so alone, like I had no one else in life. One of the things we used to like to do was go out to eat every Saturday after I got out of work because my mom was tired of cooking all week long and wanted to take a break during the weekends, and this is something that I will miss forever.

The weekends were the only days that I truly got to spend with both of them since we worked opposite time schedules, them in the morning and I during the night. We got to catch up and talk about how our week went and how work went. Just the three of us. I miss those Saturdays where I got to see them walking towards me to greet me, or seeing them walk side by side on the sidewalk. One of the things I miss about my dad is that if I forgot my house keys he would open the door and say “Mami” and give me a kiss.

When I forgot my keys for the first time after he died I felt such a deep sadness because I realized he was never going to open the door for me ever again or be able to hear his joy when I got home after work. As for my mom I just miss everything about her. She was truly my best friend. I miss her laugh, I miss seeing her smile and seeing the gap she had because her two front teeth were missing. I miss giving her a kiss–she and I would share a peck on the lips even though I was all grown up. I really truly miss the smell of her shampoo on her pillow. I was and am sad that I can’t smell her shampoo anymore.

Those are just a few things about that I miss about them. There are so many more things that I could mention but it would be a long list. I am sad that they didn’t get to meet their grandchildren. Their first grandchild arrived one month after my father died, and one month before my mother died. I believe my mom waited until her grandson was born before leaving us. As for a memory that I will never be able to forget was hearing my grandmother, my mom’s mom, cry and wail after I told her that her oldest daughter had died. Hearing her say “my little dove fly high” truly broke my heart. I know that my parents are in a better place, a place without suffering but it wasn’t their time to leave. Their time was cut short and they had so much more life to live.

It is hard to believe I have been missing you for three years. I still wait for you to walk in the door, maybe that is what gets me through the day. Covid took you on 4/22 which is also Earth Day. I spent the day doing something you would do, cleaning and planting in the yard. I planted a Lilac tree and several beautiful flowers in a special place for you. I could hear your voice through the wind when I was planting. You will be forever in my heart.