I cannot fathom living this way anymore

One moment I am semi okay and then reality hits that Donovan died from Covid. He is never coming back. He was a young man — 31 years old. A healthy young man. (This happens multiple times a day)

I see posts and messages and news on the tv and hear it on the radio- ‘it’s just a cold’, ‘it only affects 1%’, ‘Covid isn’t real’, ‘you can’t make me wear a mask’, ‘masks don’t work’, ‘my body, my choice’, ‘go ahead and live in fear — I’m going to live my life’, ‘No I’m not going get poked, I don’t know what’s in it’ and so many more — it’s heartbreaking. All of it tears me apart.

Donovan was my first born. Donovan came into this world a month earlier then his due date. He looked like a little baby bird. Then, two weeks later he was my little Michelin baby. He was so very chunky and beautiful.

21 days after he received the Covid positive test result, I would have to make the most devastating, heart-wrenching decision. Turn off the ventilator, he is not going to get better. His skin turned grey the moment the air was stopped, 3 minutes later his heart stopped. No last breath — he took that alone in the hospital before they placed him on the ventilator.

I have been told that stopping the vent was the most precious gift I could have given my son. I find it difficult to feel this way. Is that selfish? Selfishly yearning to be able to have him alive even though he would have been brain dead, always needing machines to stay alive? He would be here and I would take care of him.

Heartbroken forever,
Donovan’s mom
#forever31