Stories: Who We Have Lost

Who I lost may surprise you

Who did you lose to Covid 19? Myself, Me

Hello. My name is Colleen. And the person I lost, is myself. Clearly I have not passed on to the next life, so I understand this is probably not what you’re looking for. However, I still felt compelled to tell my story.

I’ve had four confirmed cases of Covid and been hospitalized once, thankfully for just a couple days. I was diagnosed with Long Hauler Covid shortly after my first bout. And I’ve never been the same since.

And oh how I miss me, the me that used to be. Daily I struggle to accept this “new normal” but I have yet to accept it, which makes “living“ incredibly challenging. I’m caught somewhere in the “in between“ … knowing somewhere deep inside that I’m not the same person I used to be, and yet not stepping into the “new life“ ahead of me.

I was a successful manager at a fortune five company. Due to my symptoms, I have had to step down to an entry-level position. Why? Good question! Because of my cognitive disorder, my brain fog, my inability to concentrate, remember, focus, multitask, I’m unable to perform my duties. To be fully transparent, I’m struggling in this new entry level position as well …

A very dear friend of mine this past weekend, looked at me and lovingly said to me these words: “you have become mean.” I have never been known as being mean. After being a little bit taken aback, shocked, and perhaps a flash of anger, I realized he was right. He said, “Your carefree-ness, your happy go lucky style, it’s gone, or nearly gone. And it’s been replaced by a streak of meanness.”

He then went on to explain that it happened after I returned to work. You see, I was out of work for, I don’t know maybe 10 months due to Long Hauler Covid. And all of my symptoms and issues.

Being back at work and not being able to function the way that I know I once did has been earth shattering. Sometimes I stutter when I talk. Because I can’t remember the words. I can’t grasp what I’m trying to say.

So I’m on this crazy journey of trying to decide what to do about my future. Do I continue to wake up every day dreading the day ahead of me because I have to work and I can’t work efficiently? And then I feel paralyzed, but I dig deep inside … And somehow I get myself to walk from the bed, 30 feet to my desk, and I logon. Somehow with tons of anxiety and stress, I make it through the day. And then when I’m done I just collapse. Generally I have no energy for anything else.

Of course there’s so much more to the story, so many additional details, like having minimal support, the people in my life not understanding, etc.

So the person that I lost amongst Covid, in the midst of this pandemic, it’s me. Me.

Again, I know this is not what you were looking for, so I say this: thank you for reading my story, I appreciate you so much.

Share Your Story

Translate »