5 years ago today was one of the biggest surprises for James. It was his 50th birthday and I pulled off a huge surprise party. He had told me not to do a party and that he didn’t want the celebration for him. That is how he always was, so selfless. His birthday was the one day a year we could celebrate him and that he didn’t put myself or the kids first.

We always had his favorite dinner at Outback–we had cake with extra icing, and most of the time a banana split. For his 50th, I had been saving up for months so he wouldn’t notice any major purchases on the credit cards or from the bank account. With the help of a few of his buddies we had a big cookout with family and friends. It was an absolute perfect day.

At the end of the night, as we were laying in bed, he thanked me for the party. “Thank you for loving me enough to insist on doing something like today for me.” I was afraid he would be mad after being so against a party but instead he was thankful that I put so much into making the day all about him. We only had two more birthdays after that with him here on this earth. I will always look back and think maybe God pushed me to go ahead with the party, knowing our days were numbered. Happy Birthday my love, although you’re forever 52, I’ll celebrate 55 for you!

I lost both of my parents to Covid and they have left a void in my life that has yet to heal. With their deaths I was left feeling so alone, like I had no one else in life. One of the things we used to like to do was go out to eat every Saturday after I got out of work because my mom was tired of cooking all week long and wanted to take a break during the weekends, and this is something that I will miss forever.

The weekends were the only days that I truly got to spend with both of them since we worked opposite time schedules, them in the morning and I during the night. We got to catch up and talk about how our week went and how work went. Just the three of us. I miss those Saturdays where I got to see them walking towards me to greet me, or seeing them walk side by side on the sidewalk. One of the things I miss about my dad is that if I forgot my house keys he would open the door and say “Mami” and give me a kiss.

When I forgot my keys for the first time after he died I felt such a deep sadness because I realized he was never going to open the door for me ever again or be able to hear his joy when I got home after work. As for my mom I just miss everything about her. She was truly my best friend. I miss her laugh, I miss seeing her smile and seeing the gap she had because her two front teeth were missing. I miss giving her a kiss–she and I would share a peck on the lips even though I was all grown up. I really truly miss the smell of her shampoo on her pillow. I was and am sad that I can’t smell her shampoo anymore.

Those are just a few things about that I miss about them. There are so many more things that I could mention but it would be a long list. I am sad that they didn’t get to meet their grandchildren. Their first grandchild arrived one month after my father died, and one month before my mother died. I believe my mom waited until her grandson was born before leaving us. As for a memory that I will never be able to forget was hearing my grandmother, my mom’s mom, cry and wail after I told her that her oldest daughter had died. Hearing her say “my little dove fly high” truly broke my heart. I know that my parents are in a better place, a place without suffering but it wasn’t their time to leave. Their time was cut short and they had so much more life to live.

It is hard to believe I have been missing you for three years. I still wait for you to walk in the door, maybe that is what gets me through the day. Covid took you on 4/22 which is also Earth Day. I spent the day doing something you would do, cleaning and planting in the yard. I planted a Lilac tree and several beautiful flowers in a special place for you. I could hear your voice through the wind when I was planting. You will be forever in my heart.

April 23, 2020, was the last time I could celebrate my birthday without sadness. Bobby was still in the hospital and had been doing very well. They discharged him and sent him back to the nursing home. I still believed he was going to live.

That morning I called and asked, “Hey Bobby, do you know what day it is?” He replied, “Your birthday.” I teased him and asked, “did you get me something”? He said, “I tried to.” I assumed he meant he tried to get something from the gift shop. I explained how the store shelves were empty and the world was upside-down. He died six days later.

Upon retrieving his belongings from the nursing home, one of the employees gave me a painting. She explained Bobby asked around the nursing home for a pretty box because he wanted to mail it to me. That painting is the perfect final birthday gift because though he is not here, it hangs on my wall and reminds me of his love and thoughtfulness.

She called us “kids.” I thought that was so cool.