Well, I haven’t been here for a while. This darkness, the sadness, the missing, the wanting. As I sit here with my thoughts, the TV’s on, just for the background noise. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, actually it’s been a little longer than that. Trying to heal through a shoulder injury and all the million details required to get anything done. The way the world has been turned upside down and there is no longer any stability, for anyone.

It hadn’t been easy, but I had been managing. I have to. I’m the daughter, the wife, the mother, the grandmother, the employee, and me. Usually, I find a way to balance everything. Trying to make sure I keep the important people first. There are lights that also help, the two-year old granddaughter who runs to me saying “I love you Gee!” as she throws her arms around my legs. The four-year old grandson, who quietly gently places his head against my arm and in a whisper asks, “Can you play a board game with me?” Their brother, who is always eager to share the new art technique or amazing fact he’s learned, just with me. They keep the shadows at bay. It becomes more difficult as more things pile on. Everyone has had the flu. As hard as it has been, I can’t imagine how horrible it would have been if we hadn’t been vaccinated. It’s reminiscent of Covid and distancing from Mom so she won’t get sick. Even with all of that, I had been coping.

It’s this chest rattling, bone shaking cough that hurts from the strained muscles I can’t get rid of, leaving me crying on the way home from work. The not feeling well, the unknown future, the simple fact that I just want my dad, that’s where I am right now. There’s a brindle-colored 82-pound dog named Hopi, who has placed her head in my lap, with her paws around me as write this, letting me know she’s here. Another light. I know this will pass. I’ll feel better. But right now, I don’t care what the calendar says. I’m six again, reaching up to my daddy. I want him to lift me up in his arms, wipe away my tears with his handkerchief, hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I need my dad. I miss him more than anything.