Me and Stephani were looking up at the night sky. After a few minutes there was a shooting star right where we were looking. We both said “thank you Donovan.”

I miss you so much …

As I look up to the sky, I tell you I bought a house.

I wake up each morning and for a second everything is okay till I realize you are gone.

I want to talk about you all the time but when I start to I just freeze. I am scared of my emotions.

This is your third Angel Anniversary, I still can’t believe it. Covid took you and it’s still so unbelievable. Missing you Donovan, so much. I love you.

The current political climate and its continued denialism and obfuscation of the pandemic sets my brain on fire. Here’s our truth: Our father died alone on an iPad (being held by a kind nurse wearing a space suit) and that image is seared into my memory forever. Don’t tell me this is irrelevant. More of us must speak out. This must not be swept under the universe’s rug.

My dad and my grandpa died about 90 minutes apart; dad first. We didn’t find out about grandpa until the next morning.

My extended relative threw a birthday party for her one year old with around 40 people, including my grandparents. This was before vaccines and my grandparents were in their 80s. My dad did not attend this party, but the virus did. The next week, another extended relative held a Thanksgiving gathering. Again, there were too many people in too small of space. My grandparents were not well enough to travel to this gathering, possibly due to the virus, but another extended relative picked them up. Again, my dad did not attend.

My dad lived the closest to his parents and, along with my stepmom, helped them out with many things. It is a near certainty that he contracted the virus from them, his parents. Grandma’s hospital stay was short, but grandpa’s was nearly a month until it ended… he ended. Dad’s was not quite as long, he even got to come home for a brief bit before going back in and succumbing. His death was likely due to a mixture of remdesivir damaging his liver and his hope being crushed by the collapse in his condition. The drugs were our hope and it was the hope that killed.

Literally, I lost two family members that day, two of my best. In reality, I lost almost an entire side of my extended family and I barely know anyone on my deceased mom’s side. There is so much blame to go around, so many wrongs. Selfishness, mainly, and taking advantage by family members of a father and grandfather who had dementia. Grandpa was never likely to make it to the other side of the pandemic, with his age and medical history. To me, that meant we should do more than CDC guidelines, not less because he and they were impatient. I hope those parties were to die for.

My kids have only very young memories, stories, and thankfully pictures, of their grandpa. Outside of our house, he was one of the most important people in our lives.

Four months to the day, the state had a ribbon cutting for Ohio’s pandemic memorial. It is at the state park nearest to where they lived and a place where we spread some of my mom’s ashes as she held it almost sacred. I cannot see myself ever going back to that place now; those memories are tarnished.

I cannot find words awful enough to describe my grief. I doubt I ever will. I will not find the words, nor will my grief end. I feel cheated, though so many others have even worse stories. Maybe writing this out here will bring a modicum of catharsis down the road, but not today.

A little more than eighteen years ago, my dad sat down and started writing eleven cards. One card was mailed every day in succession. As I opened each one, I found details about my parent’s trip, notes about my brothers, and various wishes for a Happy Birthday.

Each card began with “Hi Doll”, “Dear Daughter”, “Dearest Daughter” or “Dear Daughter Dawn”. They started with just a quick, short note but each one progressed with more thought and meaning. This was unusual for Dad. He wasn’t someone who wrote letters or spoke a lot about how he felt. He told you he loved you; you knew he loved you, but he didn’t get … mushy? All of the cards finished with “Love & Kisses, Dad”.

Each Happy Birthday wish had a special heartfelt message. They started small and then …

“Just wanted to give you an early Happy Birthday'”

“Let’s see, are we close to your birthday? At the time of this writing, only two more days. Forty-two years ago, you wouldn’t believe what was going on. It was well worth it!”

“You have always soared high in life, trying to improve life in general everywhere. You are a great person and a wonderful daughter. I hope you stay the same for the rest of your life!”

I’ll share the next two in a bit, as they are very special to me.

“I hope you are not getting tired of these cards. There are a few more. The date above is the date they were written and dropped in a mailbox.”

“Happy Mother’s Day. I hope it was a good one for you because you deserve it. Not many moms have done what you have. Be happy and proud!”

“Are you getting tired of my little letters? Seems like we don’t see much of you guys any more, but all are in our thoughts. Our love is just as strong anyway!”

“This old man still loves you, but this is very difficult. To write every day. I have a very small brain. I don’t know how you did all your cards to me and grandma, besides working full time. I may have to slack off a bit.”

The following two notes were written on my birthday and the day after. These two leave me without words.

“On this day 42 years ago, a very happy occasion for your parents. It was also a stressful time for us, because the doctors didn’t give us a good deal of hope for your survival. By the grace of God, you came through for us. Thank you for not giving up. We will always love you. Happy Birthday and many more. All the happiness you deserve, will come. I am sure of that.”

Dad is talking about when I was born, two months premature and weighing only 3lbs 2 oz and dropping to 2lbs 6 oz before leaving the hospital after two months in an incubator.

“One day after your birthday and I still love you. Isn’t that something? As long as I breathe, I will love you. I hope you take life as it is and try to enjoy each and every day for the good things that happen and don’t let something that happens unhappy or uneasy to you, spoil your day! Am I rambling? Well, you will figure it out.”

I’m trying Daddy. It’s hard, but I’m trying.

These cards were rediscovered in the spring of 2021 after dad passed away in January. I was looking for dad’s handwriting to incorporate into a tattoo. The tattoo design is of a dragonfly with mom’s handwriting saying, ” Love you” and dad’s saying, “Love you more”. It is said that dragonflies can travel between heaven and earth.
Along with those cards, I found another from two years later. Again, for my birthday.

“Dearest Daughter,
As you know, I have always loved you more! I will continue to until my last breath! Which will be in about 50 years or so. Don’t you wish? 44 years old and counting. In six years, you may join AARP. What a babbling fool I am. Well, love you more and always.
Daddy
xoxoxo”

Yes, Daddy, I do wish.
Happy Birthday.
I love you most.
Soaring on the wings of a dragonfly.