This was a saying my dad would end every email, every phone call and hug goodbye.
My dad was a gentle, quiet man. Who loved his family. I miss him so much.

Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. Sometimes I feel like I sabotage my mental health. Donovan, saying I miss you is not enough. Never enough. I have a Donovan size hole in my soul, heart & mind. I listen to the recordings I have of your voice and break into a million pieces all over again. I look at the pictures I have in my phone — letting them play as a video. Scream and cry and sob. This is still so unbelievable to me babyboy. This can’t be.

I am forever in love with you. I LOVE YOU.

(I know how you would feel about these posts. I guess this is one way to get it out to the universe that I am not ok with this. I am not ok.)

I love you Donovan-
Mom xoxox

Willie will be lovingly remembered as the life of the party by all his friends and family. He was an entrepreneur and had many successful careers, including owner of a Limousine company and a candy store. He worked for the MTA as a bus driver. He was especially known and loved for his DJ and MC-ing.

He had a big heart and was larger than life. His personality made him someone who was loved by all who knew him.

Today is August 21st — my birthday. A day filled with balloons of all colors, my favorite yellow roses from my sweet husband and son, ice cream cake, making a wish. Ah — and then it hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as my husband said “make a wish.”

Instantly, my heart sank, hands cold and clammy, a lump in my throat as if I was about to be sick but from what? From the realization that for once in my life, my wish would never come true. I wish Pop was still here to sing happy birthday to me, to tease me about my age, to grin as he took a bite out of my cookie delight ice cream cake.

There was an awkward silence after the birthday song and infamous “make a wish.” You could have heard a pin drop as everyone stood still staring at me. It’s as if they were waiting on me to completely melt down into a frenzy of tears. Even though on the inside I was a total wreck, I managed to hold back the tears.

It was now present time. My husband and son handed me my gift that was creatively wrapped in an Amazon box. As I slowly opened the box, I couldn’t believe what I saw. My sweet husband and son managed to find me the best birthday present I have ever received, and to think it was under $20. It was a set of plastic keys from the 1986 Fisher Price “My Pretty Purse” set. Immediately, tears streamed down my face and there was nothing I could do to stop them. You see, little did they realize how much those keys meant to me.

Pop owned his own appliance business and operated several coin operated laundries across Alabama. During the summer, all I wanted to do was ride with him to the laundries and watch him pull the machines. When I was 6 years old, Pop bought me the “My Pretty Purse” set and I carried it with me everywhere. I still vividly remember that purse. It was golden yellow with small pink flowers on the bottom right, made of plastic. Inside the purse came a plastic tube of lipstick, a small light blue comb and a set of two keys, one yellow, one red attached to a key ring that had a little girl smiling on it. The little girl had blonde hair in pig tails, which Pop always told me was me because of my blonde hair.

I loved that purse, especially the keys. It made me feel like a grown up. When I would ride with Pop to the laundries, he always carried his ring of keys to pull the machines. So, I carried my keys too and pretended I was pulling the machines with him. Those were the best days of my life.

On one sunny summer day, Pop and I had went to KFC to pick up Sunday dinner. I carried my purse in with me. When we returned home, I ran back to Pop’s truck because I noticed I didn’t have my purse with me. It was gone and my heart broke. I immediately burst into tears in our driveway. Pop got down on his knees and hugged me. I still remember leaning into his chest crying, the smell of his cologne, his soft, reassuring voice. We went back to KFC that day and my purse wasn’t there. It was on that day I learned what the word stolen meant and how it made me feel. Pop must have bought me a million other purses to try and replicate my pretty purse. But none would ever bring me the same joy as holding that purse with those keys in it. The huge smile on my face as I pretended to be pulling the machines and getting the coins out with my Dad.

When Pop died, I felt like a little girl lost in a grocery store. A little girl who was holding her Dad’s hand but somehow got accidentally separated. A feeling of sheer panic and fear set in. I felt permanently lost until that magic moment when I saw my keys. This little girl was no longer lost but found. Who would have ever dreamed that all it would take to find me was a simple set of red and yellow plastic keys? Thank you Fisher Price for creating such a unique and timeless treasure. Thank you Pop for giving me a lifetime of beautiful memories. I carry them in my heart forever. As for my keys, I still carry them everywhere with me.

I miss your calls during the work day. I miss you walking in our home after work with your beautiful smile. I miss you singing those country songs. I miss our date nights. I miss my life with you here by my side. I miss you so much, my forever love. I will hold you forever in my heart … until we are together again.